Captain's Log: Day 11

What does a smile mean?
There are so many types of smiles. A smile of comfort, a smile of pain, a smile of fear, a smile of embarrassment, a smile of understanding, a smile of patience, a smile of consolation, a smile of sorrow, a smile of confusion, a smile of pure happiness, and that's only the tip of the iceberg.

When someone smiles it doesn't mean that they're happy. If someone doesn't smile, it doesn't mean that they're upset. Smiling, frowning, is nothing but activation of certain ion channels which in the end results in contraction of a bunch of facial muscles, yet it can convey so many messages, can influence so many people.

I'm a pretty smiley person. I smile a lot, I laugh a lot (I laugh at almost everything, so don't be offended if I laugh after you tell me a very sad and touching story). I feel that most of the time, when i'm smiling, those around me are happier (contagious?). However, it seems that my constant smiling and laughing is actually bothersome to certain people (No, i don't mean people find me annoying because i smile too much, rather, they don't understand why i'm smiling and that worries them...or bothers them...). There's been times when things have gotten rough, when it feels like nothing can be worse (but... it really could actually, there's always something that can come up and make life more miserable) but at those times, I still smiled. I used my laughter as a way to hide from everyone. My over exaggerated joy was used as a mask. A mask that i wear almost every day.

I've been told by a very good friend that I'm using this mask in order to protect others, but what i don't see is that i'm hurting myself in the process. The more i try to hide, the more painful it will become for me, the more i'm hurting myself, and the less meaningful my smile will become. This friend suggested that, i should smile, not for others, but for myself. Don't smile if I don't want to, cry if i need to, scream if i feel to, let it out, and let it go.

There are so many people out there struggling, walking more difficult paths than i am. So don't look at what you don't have, don't mourn over what you've lost, but appreciate what you possess already, you'll realize you are much more fortunate than many others. I'm beginning to learn how to take off the mask, how to smile for myself, how to smile from the inside, to show a smile that actually means something. I know i still have lots to learn, but i have time and i have patience.